Now that I had deconstructed my previously held beliefs and decided that the LDS Church was not true, I returned to my study of mainstream Christianity. After my devastating experience with Mormonism, I did not want to assume that anything was true. I did not want to base my beliefs on feelings and emotions alone. Everything I read, studied, or listened to had to be critically examined. At this point, although I still was uncertain about God’s existence, I believed that if God existed, then any truths about him or revealed by him could not be contradictory.
And so I continued my study of the non-LDS King James Bible, Jordan Peterson’s We Who Wrestle with God, and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. When reading the Bible, especially the book of Genesis, I loved the beauty of the language and symbolism of the scriptures. It reminded me of how I felt when I read the Bible as a missionary.
As I read We Who Wrestle with God, I was fascinated by how much symbolism there is in the Bible, even when you study it from a secular and academic perspective. I think that Jordan Peterson’s experience as a clinical psychologist and retired professor also gives him unique insights into Bible passages that make the Bible approachable and relatable even for the least religious individuals. In the wake of my crisis of faith and doubts about God’s existence, this book met me where I was at in my faith journey. I would encourage anyone who has even the slightest interest in studying the Bible, but wants to study it from an academic rather than religious perspective, to read his book.
Beginning to Pray Again
During this period of study, I began to pray periodically. I believed that if God existed, then only he could guide me to the truth. If I did not at least begin to seek him, how could I expect him to lead me to the truth if my heart was not open to the possibility of his existence or if I was not willing to be guided by him? During these moments of prayer, I did not have any life-changing experiences and did not suddenly consider myself a devout Christian. But during these quiet moments of prayer, I did feel a sense of peace. In retrospect, I now believe that God was quietly guiding me to truth through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Looking for a Church
After a few weeks of studying on my own, I felt a need to find a church to attend in order to feel closer to God. This was strange for me, because after deconstructing Mormonism and consequently losing faith in God and Jesus Christ, going to church was the furthest thing from my mind for many years. Choosing a specific church felt daunting. Rather than blindly visiting different churches and choosing whichever felt best or emphasized the Bible teaching I considered most important, I wanted to investigate their beliefs carefully. My concern was repeating the experience of being a member of a church that I later concluded to be false. Also, in the small city that I live in, there are over twenty distinct Christian denominations, which did not make the process of choosing a church to attend any easier.
At first I considered attending a nondenominational church, but I decided against it because these churches typically have rock- or pop-style bands playing music. In my opinion, this style of church focuses more on entertainment than reverent worship.
After studying the beliefs of different contemporary “low church” Protestant denominations online, I ended up ruling them all out. Not only did their beliefs contradict each other, but I also believed that all of them contradicted the Bible or Christ’s teachings in one way or another. Based on my study of many sects of Protestant churches, it seemed that they would cherry-pick certain Bible verses to focus on, while completely disregarding other Bible verses. I do not believe that a cafeteria-style approach to doctrine is what Jesus Christ intended. I believe that we need to accept all of the truths taught in the Bible, not just the doctrines or teachings that are most convenient or easy to follow.
I then started to look into more traditional “high church” denominations, starting with the Episcopal Church. What I liked about the Episcopal Church is that authority in the Episcopal Church rests on the “three-legged stool” of Scripture, Tradition, and Reason.[1] To me it felt refreshing to find a church that explicitly valued reason in matters of faith. I felt this was lacking in Mormonism, and I needed the beliefs of whatever church I joined to be compatible with reason. However, the more I looked into it, I was disappointed to find that some key doctrines and practices of the Episcopal Church have been heavily influenced by cultural shifts in society. With more research, I learned that the Episcopal Church was born out of the American Revolution and was basically an independent Anglican church.[2] Once I learned this, I decided to look into the Anglican Church in North America, which is separate from the Episcopal Church.[3] However, while I found the same emphasis on Scripture, Tradition, and Reason in the Anglican Church in North America and the broader Anglican tradition, I found that their doctrine also tends to change based on cultural and societal pressures. I believe that if a church claims to be Christian, then it needs to be firmly rooted in scriptural truths, and not allow itself to be influenced by changing societal practices.
During this study of different Christian churches, I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. I felt like I truly understood Joseph Smith’s dilemma about determining which church to join. While at this point I was not sure if I would join a church, I knew that I at least wanted to try attending one. But trying to piece together 2,000 years of schisms in Christianity and determine which church would lead me closest to the truth felt like an impossible task.
The Question of Christian Unity
At this point of studying Protestant churches, it seemed that whenever somebody disagreed with the denomination that they were a part of, they would break away and start their own church. This seemed to contradict my understanding of New Testament scripture. For example, the night before Jesus was crucified, he prayed on behalf of his disciples:
Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. . . . That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me. (John 17:11, 21–23, KJV; emphasis added.)
With all the different Christian denominations that have conflicting doctrine, it was clear to me that there had to be some churches that had more truth than others. While I still did not know which church had the most truth, I was certain that Jesus Christ had not intended for his followers to become as divided as they have over the centuries.
In 1 Corinthians 1:10, 12–13 (KJV), Paul addresses division that was arising in the church:
Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. . . . Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos; and I of Cephas; and I of Christ. Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptized in the name of Paul?
If I was trying to find the Christian church that most closely aligned with the Bible and the teachings of Jesus Christ, how could I find it among the hundreds of denominations that had broken away and formed in the same manner that Paul warned about?
One of the other places that Paul talks about unity among the Church is in his letter to the Romans: “For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another” (Romans 12:4–5, KJV). If the Church is symbolic of the body of Christ, yet the Church is divided, that completely contradicts Paul’s teaching to the Romans. I believe that if we are to find the church that most closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus Christ and the apostles in the Bible, then it must be a church that prioritizes unity.
Considering Orthodoxy and Catholicism
At this point I realized that the two major Christian denominations that I had not looked into were the Orthodox and Catholic churches, so this is where I continued my study. From my experience with Mormonism, the Catholic Church was the absolute last church I could have ever considered researching. But since I was trying to keep an open mind and honestly search for the truth, I decided not to rule it out, but I remained skeptical.
I started to watch YouTube videos from Orthodox and Catholic priests as well as lay practicing members. I also began to study differences between the churches. As I became acquainted with both the Orthodox and Catholic churches, I was drawn to how traditional and rooted in ancient Christian worship they are. However, as I watched more videos of Orthodox priests, I couldn’t help but notice how prideful and boastful they were in claiming that their church was Christ’s original church. This level of pride from people who claim to be part of the original church that Jesus Christ established seemed the complete opposite of the humility that Jesus Christ demonstrated.
As I began to watch hours of videos made by Catholic YouTubers and Catholic priests, I was very impressed by their humility and genuine devotion to Christ. I started to feel a yearning and strong desire to learn more about the Catholic Church, like something was pulling me toward it. I had never felt this kind of pull while I was a Mormon or while studying any of the other Christian denominations. I genuinely believe that it was the Holy Spirit nudging me to learn more.
Sources and notes
- Episcopal Diocese of Olympia, “Sources of Authority,” accessed October 28, 2026. ↩
- The Episcopal Church, “Our History.” ↩
- Anglican Church in North America, “About,” accessed October 28, 2026. ↩
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