During my time studying at the university as a full-time engineering student, I was working long part-time hours (routinely 20+ hours every week and sometimes 40 hours a week) to support myself, as well as juggling responsibilities with my Church calling as elders quorum president of the singles ward I was in. Even with the discipline I gained from serving a mission, I eventually experienced severe burnout. My schedule was very demanding – between classes, my job, and trying to fulfill all my Church responsibilities (3+ hours of Church commitments every Sunday, Institute classes, weekly activities in the singles ward, and completing home teaching assignments) I had little time left to study, let alone socialize, relax, get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, or exercise. I regularly had a nagging feeling that even though I was active in the Church, I still wasn’t doing enough. Over time, though, I ended up experiencing severe anxiety because I was struggling to keep up with my studies and Church commitments on top of all the hours I was working to support myself.
Burnout and Depression
One semester, the burnout and anxiety finally caught up to me. I got to the point that I was not able to get myself out of bed to go to classes. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t have any appetite for food. Even when I tried to eat, the food didn’t have any flavor. I barely had any energy to walk. I felt hopeless and was experiencing such an intense darkness that I wasn’t sure if I would ever be happy again or even be able to smile. I lost the desire to live and frequently had intrusive thoughts about ending my life. By God’s grace, I never actually made any plans or attempts to commit suicide, but this was by far the darkest time in my entire life. I failed all my classes that semester, which for me was completely out of character because until that point, my grades in my university classes were nearly all As and Bs with maybe one or two Cs at most, and during high school I was a nearly straight A student. Thankfully, with support and encouragement from my family, I sought medical care which led to a depression diagnosis. After some trial and error, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant that helped take the edge off the depression somewhat. Due to the extenuating circumstances, I later successfully petitioned to remove that semester from my academic record, and went on to graduate with my degree.
What didn’t make sense to me, though, was this: If being a faithful LDS member is supposed to make you happy, then why did I end up experiencing such darkness and despair while I was a faithful and active member of the Church? What if the expectations of the LDS Church, layered on top of the other demands in my life, compounded my stress and anxiety that led to my depression? And why did the thought of even going to church start to fill me with dread and anxiety? Jesus’ promise in Matthew 11:28-30 felt so distant to me: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you…and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” If Jesus promises us that our burdens will be light if we take his yoke upon us, then why did I feel such heavy burdens when I was doing my best to be a faithful LDS member?
Stepping Away
It was at this time that I became inactive in the LDS Church because although I was doing my best to live the gospel as a faithful member, I did not believe that it was having a positive influence in my life. I also realized that if I wanted to graduate from the university, my Church commitments in addition to the demands of my rigorous major and long work hours were making that goal nearly impossible. This realization also contributed to my decision to stop attending church. Over the next few years after initially becoming inactive, I attempted to attend the LDS Church a few times. Each time I went, though, I didn’t feel the joy and peace that I was expecting, but felt hollow and empty like I was only going through the motions. I now recognize that at this point my heart was no longer in the Church.
Removing My Membership
A few years after I became inactive, I started to seriously consider whether I should still keep my membership in the LDS Church. I reflected on my time as a missionary, when I invited investigators to pray about whether the things we taught them were true. I then decided to pray about whether or not I should remove my name from the Church. I also went to a nearby LDS temple to walk around the grounds and pray. Surely, the Lord’s temple would be the place where I would feel the Holy Ghost prompting me to go back to church. While the temple grounds were pretty, I did not feel a pull or desire to attend the LDS Church. In fact, I did not feel much at all even on the temple grounds and did not believe that God was telling me to return to church. After serious prayer and consideration, the decision to remove my membership from the Church is what ultimately felt correct and brought me the most peace.
Since I had made my decision to remove my membership from the Church, I didn’t want to speak with the bishop or stake president about it. My decision was final and I didn’t want anyone to try and change my mind. I found resources online that explained how to send a letter to Church headquarters to remove your membership, so that is what I did. I also sent a copy of the letter to the local bishop and stake president for good measure.
When I received the letter from Church headquarters confirming that I was no longer a member of the LDS Church, I felt the biggest sense of relief and peace of my entire life. What I didn’t realize at the time, though, is just how impactful the act of leaving the LDS Church would be on my entire worldview and identity, despite the peace and relief that I felt upon officially leaving it.
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